Reflections and wishes over a small dog
As I write this, my miniature dachshund Emmett is asleep in my lap. He’s breathing silently, his chest rising and falling, but he’s otherwise motionless. He looks sublimely content; a tiny smile on his face.
I have to wonder when I will be so content. As it stands right now, I’m waiting, hoping, wishing for someone I care about deeply to come home, hoping that I haven’t seen the end of a truly beautiful thing.
And, just like Emmett, I feel like I’m not really moving save to breathe. I’m waiting around for life to start moving again when I probably need to push it. However, some of these days it feels like all of my emotional energy is being used just to keep breathing, to keep hoping, and I can’t gather up enough to pull myself out of this rut I’m in.
Now he twitches, making tiny woofing noises in his sleep. He must be dreaming. Of what does a puppy dream, I wonder?
And at the same time, it brings to mind my own dreams. I hope in a few years’ time to be happy and to be doing the things I love. To be taking care of the one I love, to be telling stories, and if I can, touching hearts.
The wind is blowing fiercely outside, and a particularly savage gust shakes the house. The noise is loud enough to wake the sleeping pup, and his head jerks up, scared for a moment through sleepy eyes.
I can’t deny that for all my faith and hope, I’m still scared. Scared of losing the one I care about, scared of losing the battle, scared of not making a difference, leaving a mark. Like the wind outside, fear comes and goes, sometimes leaving me calm, sometimes battering me to the point that I question myself.
Now his head settles back down, his eyes close slowly and he drifts back into peaceful sleep. I scratch behind his ears and his little smile stretches a bit wider for a moment.
I know that in the long run, everything works itself out; I just hope it all goes in the direction I want. I know life often works out differently than we’d like, even if it’s still in a positive way. But I’d like it if at least this once, it would take the road I’ve chosen.
